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The Psychology of Friendship & Success
One of the main reasons why most people do not achieve their ultimate goals and dreams in life is because they are emotionally and psychologically unable to handle the loneliness and isolation required to evolve to the next level of success. When friends call and beg you to go to the movies, grab a bite to eat, or hang out at your favorite club, you’re forced to decide whether spending time with them is the best use of your time. Have 2 exams and a research paper within a week. Most of us make the wrong decision many times before finally making the best decision to achieve our goals.
I’m going to tell you a secret. When you are between stages of evolving to your next level of success, you are likely to become isolated from family and friends. You are in a mental cocoon. Listen carefully so you understand what is happening to you. There are many habits that you need to break from your old lifestyle before you can move on to the next level. For example, if you often party late into the wee hours of the morning, drink too much alcohol, or have too many sexual partners, these habits can prevent you from focusing on your academic or career goals with the same level of intensity. It needs to be successful.
Like most people, you initially struggle with the ‘old you’ and the ‘new you’ trying to emerge. Instead of declining your friends’ invitations to go hang out, you say yes and wake up the next morning wondering, “Why did I go out last night?” People who are now where you want to be are still reluctant to be friends with you. These people are serious. They are far ahead in their journey to success. They are not interested in people or activities that push them to achieve their goals. When you mentally become one of them, you will find the doors of new friendships opening to welcome you. It’s not so much that these people are your friends. You share similar interests and experiences and you are able to relate and discuss issues of mutual importance.
Here are some things to think about as you try to maintain friendships on the road to achieving your dreams:
1. True friendships never die, they may seem to fade during a period of significant change – but remember that this is a necessary transitional phase to give you the space you need to grow. True friendships stand the test of time as you adjust to your new role in life. Don’t let someone else’s perception of who you should be and how you should act stop you from making the necessary changes to make your dreams come true.
2. When you reconnect with your old friends, it’s never the same. Friendships retain important roots that connect you together, such as sharing your most intimate secrets or playing poker. Love will remain pure, but you will enjoy your time together and apart.
3. As women we tell too much of our personal, intimate, private business to other women. We talk about the size and shape of our partner’s penis, how often we have sex, every minute detail of our conversations with our lovers, and how much we hate our bodies within days of meeting. As a psychologist, I know that female brains are biologically wired to share secrets and gossip, but in order to compete in the business world, we need to learn to separate our personal lives from our professional lives. Maintaining emotional distance from others allows us to get along better with acquaintances and business associates. I can’t count the times I haven’t exposed my underbelly while trying to meet or meet a new acquaintance.
4. Loyalty, honesty, trust and affection take time to develop in any relationship and friendship is no exception to the rule. Don’t make the mistake of expecting too much too soon from a friendship. A shared interest in yoga, book club, or salsa dancing doesn’t mean you should trust this person with your house keys or know the intimate details of your new romance. When you share personal information with the wrong person, you give them ammunition to achieve your goals.
5. Be aware of the fact that the interests that make you and your friends–“friends”–also have the potential to make you and your friends mortal enemies. Friends often find the same person attractive, enjoy the same taste in clothes, and have similar career interests or abilities. Say for example, you and your friend meet the same great guy at the same time, but he chooses your friend. They marry, have children and live happily ever after in La La Land. Can you really be happy for her? If you are truly happy with your life and who you are, you can be happy for your friend; Otherwise you may experience feelings of jealousy and insecurity. If you and your friend both apply to graduate school and your friend is accepted and you are rejected, this will affect your friendship.
6. Friends sometimes sabotage your success on purpose. Some people believe that if you want to lose weight and develop an exercise routine, it’s best to become friends with a friend. I personally think this is a big mistake. If you start to lose weight and your friend isn’t losing weight, they may discourage you from exercising by suggesting other activities. If your friend is not doing well in school, they may use creative ways to distract you from studying. Unfortunately, if your friend is having trouble maintaining or attracting a loving relationship, she may do and say negative things to ruin your relationship with your partner.
7. Friends can become uncomfortable in friendship when roles change; Your friend may feel awkward if you evolve into an ugly, dumb or fat friend. If your friend has always been the one to get male attention and suddenly you are “pretty”, trust me, this change will affect the friendship. If the friendship is genuine, your friend will adapt and your bond will become even stronger.
8. Be aware of friends who are jealous or envious of your ambition and success. I find that most people are not consciously aware of the insecurities or motives that can destroy you and ultimately the friendship. But remember that on your path to success, you will leave people behind on purpose. As you grow and evolve many people become insecure with the ties that bind their relationship with you. Your friend doesn’t know their role or where they fit into your new life, and in many cases this insecurity leads them to do and say hurtful things in a twisted attempt to save the friendship.
9. Don’t be afraid to cut loose on friends and family members who can’t accept and respect the person you’ve blossomed into. You may find friends from your past who only want to talk about the good days when you were drunk, broke, heartbroken and down and out. You know them because they often say, ‘Remember when…’ People who refuse to see not only the old but the new must be removed from your life, no matter how painful it may be. A former best friend told me, “Sandy, who do you think you are? You’re just a poor black girl from Detroit with a GED who thinks she’s somebody. I can’t wait for you to see that. You’re nobody special and you know your place in life.”
10. Your friends, buddies, people you hang out with or whatever you want to call them – are a true reflection of who you are and what you think about yourself. If you surround yourself with incredible people, you will feel that you deserve their friendship. You don’t choose your family, but you definitely choose your friends. Most importantly take a deep, soulful look at yourself. Want to be friends with yourself? Do you tell secrets that your friends ask you not to tell? Do you flirt with your friend’s husbands or boyfriends? Are you jealous of your friend’s success or happiness? To have a true friend you must be a true friend. You know yourself. If you are not happy and confident in who you are, it will be very difficult for you to find true friendship.
11. An honest, loyal, true friend is someone who is happy with himself, confident and has very high self-esteem. People who live their dreams and are true to their calling make great friends.
12. Lastly, my brother General George always says, (and I agree with him) that people always expose their knife before they stick it in your back. Listen and pay close attention to what your friends say and do. If she is betraying another friend, it is a sign that she will betray you. We are rarely surprised by someone’s behavior.
13. Sometimes the universe, life, or God, (any concept that resonates with your soul) separates you from other people to focus on your life’s purpose. What could be perceived as jealousy or disagreements are really “spiritual events” used to remove social and emotional distractions from your life. In a pure and deep spiritual sense, it is no one’s fault when relationships dissolve. Your friend can no longer be with you on your journey to success. They’re not meant to go where you go, but that doesn’t mean they were never a part of your life and eventually become who you are. Always be positive and wish them the best.
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