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Loss, Grief, Pain – Leaving a Legacy of Love
Jill’s son, 29, died of a drug overdose late last year and was found in a portable toilet in Los Angeles. Confused and rubbing his fingers through tired eyes, he recounted how a sheriff came to his house to tell him what had happened.
“It’s about your son,” he began — “Don’t say my son is dead!” Jill screamed. “Don’t you!”
Jill was crying telling me how she was going to destroy everything in her house and she started running away as fast as she could without the sheriff. This is the shock of grief.
I think of some of the pained faces in our Grief Program, some drawn, some with thin lips or puffy eyes – people smack in the middle of heartbreak, loneliness and confusion known as grief. John couldn’t fill it anymore. Karen felt like eating her alive. Tina was in tears.
Some in that room had a long relationship with pain. An unresolved loss of confidence from childhood can keep us in a state of, “I have to accept the pain as a permanent condition.”
The pain can become as common as a family member. We built our identity around our grief. We keep in touch with him. We build walls around our pain wall that keeps the pain in but blocks out joy, happiness and other people. We become our story.
Many of us have suffered so many losses that we can’t remember why we were hurt so badly. Loss on top of loss on top of loss, all as inherent as a ball of yarn. With that comes another loss, and another one wrapped around a big ball. Over time, we may begin to feel insignificant or disabled. Life does not touch us in the deepest part of our hearts.
Some people may wake up one day and find that they have completely shut down their feelings. Others call people like me and say: “I don’t understand why my husband left me” or “My life stopped when he died”.
We are confused by not knowing what to do with unresolved pain. That sounds really impressive.
Some of the reasons why we grieve so much is that we want to put others in a good place, to be strong for children or friends. Some people think that tears are evidence of weak faith so they go through the motions and try to do something to heal. Others try to think themselves better.
The result? Stuck in fear, isolation, anger and despair. Experiencing nightmares, hallucinations and anorexia. Add in a healthy dose of guilt and you have a recipe for depression. Or, as author Sam Keen writes: “Those who deny grief remain depressed.”
Fourteen years ago, two of my children were killed in a terrible car accident. Jeremy is 4 years old and Amelia is 18 months old. A car crashed into us on a dark road in the middle of nowhere. In an instant I saw that no matter what I knew, who I knew or how much money I made, I found myself completely unprepared and devastated.
Like many others drowned in grief, I did not have the courage to recover; I don’t know where to turn. I did what everyone wanted me to do: try to beat it. Acting like everything is fine and putting on that “I’m fine” face.
Many of us have bottled up pain for years. Maybe it’s a sad movie or listening to a friend’s battle with cancer, and we slowly feel our throat. Our emotions bubble up and stay there. Many of us push these feelings away. “Come, heart, be quiet!”
Many still suffer from unresolved or uncontrollable negative emotions that they thought they had taken care of. Some are lost in religious experiences. Some immerse themselves in other people’s problems, or use alcohol or drugs for false comfort. Some try to get rid of the pain by working out until they fall into bed.
All offer only temporary relief. Like a belt, always going backwards. We can continue to bottle up the feelings, push them away or self-medicate until the loss continues. Then we wonder why life is not the happy and joyful experience we always thought it would be.
We often talk about the pain of loss. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt anymore; it’s a detachment. People who hurt people can be punished, killed and not released. Forty-year-old Chris, for example, refuses to face his grief, “even though I have a train full of stuff, I know.”
Chris described how the police pulled him over that day for driving 85 miles per hour. Officers warned him that he could die at that speed. “I told him I don’t care. I’m so detached, why should I care if I die?”
I asked Chris about his children and his wife. “Oh, they’re all right. The kids are grown and can take care of themselves. Besides, they’ve got their grandparents. My wife? She’s getting married again in three weeks!” he said half jokingly.
People suffering from accumulated trauma suppress their emotions because they don’t want to be hurt anymore. “If that’s how life is played, I don’t want to play.” They abstained from sex and did not take risks in relationships. As Tina Turner sang, “Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?”
Regret often overwhelms unresolved grief. When Jeremy dies, my first thought is the broken promise to let him burn off some energy by running to the shores of England. I immediately regretted it and wished for more time, just for five minutes with him. But those minutes did not come.
Others wish, “If only things had gone differently” or “If only I had been there in time.” All dreams, hopes and expectations. As a result, we may feel handicapped as a normal and natural reaction to loss.
But sad people aren’t broken and don’t need to be fixed. They need to be heard in an atmosphere of safety, respect and dignity – without judgment or advice, only criticism, however.
Today I am happy to say that I am filled with emotion at the loss of my two beloved children. It’s not that I “spent it”; this event is still very much a part of me. But I have learned to incorporate that loss and my enduring love for them into my life. I needed to enjoy the wonderful memories of Jeremy and Amelia. I needed to remember them, not because of how they died, but especially how they lived.
The Grief Program’s step-by-step approach helps those who remain confused and lonely to overcome loss by completing incomplete emotional relationships. It gives us the right skills that we were never taught. By saying goodbye to strife, pain and isolation, we can keep the beautiful memories of loved ones forever.
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