What Is Average Weight For A 13 Year Old Female Self-Sabotage Behavior and the Power of Forgiveness

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Self-Sabotage Behavior and the Power of Forgiveness

There are many things in life that separate us and make us different, however, over the years I have found a consistent common ground; we need to forgive. Regardless of our upbringing, our cultural similarities or our differences, or any other situation in our lives, we have all held one or more hurts, pains, sorrows or injustices.

Many people use their trauma, pain, grief, and memories of injustice as secret weapons to hinder their personal success, their relationships, or both. These are good people who don’t mean to hurt anyone, but their inner pain has a strong hold on them that they can’t fully control.

In an effort to illustrate the impact of these negative emotions, I will share with you two very different stories.

A few years ago I met a woman, Tammy (not her real name), who had a childhood problem. Her mother left the family when Tammy was only 13 years old and since Tammy was the eldest daughter, her father immediately depended on her to take on the duties and responsibilities of an absent mother. Tammy is still a child so she doesn’t know how, and she doesn’t want, to be the big mother in the family, but she loves her siblings and knows they need her, so she allows herself to be pushed into the role. the mother. family.

Tammy’s father harbors hurt and resentment towards his wife for abandoning his family and for having to work long hours to earn enough money to support his family as a single parent. him. Tammy said she knew her father loved her and her siblings, but his anger and criticism always hurt her. She seems to expect that she already knows how to do all the things that a big mother would do like cooking, cleaning, putting the kids to bed, laundry, grocery shopping, etc., along with going out. school and maintaining grades. When he did something that did not live up to her expectations, she would scold him and accuse him of dishonoring her.

As Tammy grew up and entered the world of adults, her personal and professional relationships became difficult. No longer wanting to live with the effects of these problems, he began to work on breaking down the interlocking and ineffective practices he had developed that were undermining his success. Tammy began looking back at her childhood and found three specific problems with her intrinsic motivational system.

First, he realizes that, although he is a very kind and friendly person, he only knows how to be a disciplined parent. This type of personality worked well when he actually raised his younger siblings, however, in the world of adults, other adults do not want to be controlled, parented and told what to do. The second problem Tammy finds is that she only knows how to be a critical parent. When he made all kinds of mistakes in his adult life, he could only punish himself, scold and berate himself, and he constantly told himself that he “despised people”. And the third problem Tammy found was a deep sense of anger and sadness about her childhood.

Tammy has worked diligently to develop a healthier and more effective inner self-motivation system and a big part of that process is forgiveness. There were many people to forgive; his mother for leaving him, his father for putting him in the role of a parent and criticizing him, and himself for not knowing better than to believe his father’s bad words and criticisms.

The second story is about Jim (not his real name), who had what he describes as a “normal and happy childhood” and Jim also had an internal network of ineffective self-management that leaving him as a failure. As Jim examines his past, he begins to uncover the source of his self-sabotaging behavior. Jim was born in the early 1960’s and at that time it was common for the mother of the family to be a full-time mother instead of working outside the home. Also, at that time, it was common for the father of the family to work in the same company for 20 to 30 years, and then retire at the age of 65. And that’s exactly what Jim’s family picture.

As Jim moves into adulthood, he falls in love and marries a woman who wants a family, but also wants a career outside the home. Jim was ill-equipped to share the daily family responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, taking care of the children, etc., and these differences caused his marriage to end in divorce. -marriage.

Jim also admitted that he didn’t like the accounting field he had chosen and was very unhappy with his job. The thought of working at this job for 20 to 30 years made him physically sick, but he believed it was his duty to stay at the job and work he had devoted so much time and energy to. . Jim based his entire motivational system on an outdated lifestyle that would not be feasible in the twenty-first century. Jim always compared his real life to his mental image of his ideal “1960s” life and always came up short.

Jim began working to create a new and more effective mental picture of his ideal life and to create a new and more effective way to measure his success, but there was also forgiveness work to be done. For Jim it’s about forgiving himself! She secretly resented herself for not being able to live up to her previous internal picture of what marriage and family “should” be, and she often berated and scolded herself and saw herself as a failure.

The act of forgiveness is universally recognized as a miraculous healing power! According to David Barrett et al, editors of “World Christian Encyclopedia: A comparative survey of churches and religions – AD 30 to 2200”, there are 19 major religions in the world that are divided into major denominations. 270, and many smaller ones. those. According to this source, more than 75% of the world’s population are members of Christianity, Islam or Hinduism, and the remainder are members of other religions including Judaism and Buddhism. Although I haven’t read the teachings of all 19 major world religions, I know the teachings of the top 5 well enough to know that one thing stands out in its importance; both teach about the power of forgiveness!

Years ago, when I first started my own journey of breaking free from self-harming behaviors, I was open to trying things that might ease my torment. One evening I attended a self-help course and the course leader said something that reminded me of the teachings of Jesus in the Christian Bible. Growing up in a traditional Christian home, I remember that in the book of Matthew there is a parable about the unforgiving servant who asked Jesus how often he should forgive someone because of sinned against him. Jesus’ response was to tell the servant to forgive seventy-seven times. (Of course, I’m paraphrasing.) As I remembered this teaching, I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s 490 times! I wonder if I can forgive 490 times!”

I started by writing down a list of all the things I could think of that made me angry or upset and all the people who made me angry or upset. (I was shocked at how long the list was.) Then I created a forgiveness journal and began my journey by writing “I forgive ___ for ____” for everything and people all in the list. The journey of forgiveness turned out to be one of the biggest healing things I’ve ever done in my life!

Over the years I have shared the power of forgiveness with many people and have learned many important aspects of the forgiveness process that I would like to share with you.

First, no one can tell you how to forgive. If you need to cry because of the grief of the death of a loved one or the pain of a cruel injustice, let the tears flow. If you need to curse and swear like you would forgive the thug who wrecked your car or the Son of a Gun who broke your heart – do it. Just do it your way!

Second, if you are doing an act of forgiveness related to something that seems like an “unforgivable” crime or something that someone has forced you to do, REALIZE that forgiveness is NOT condoning the wrongdoing of another. I once coached a woman who was sexually abused by her father as a child. He struggled with the idea of ​​forgiving her because he didn’t want it to mean he was wrong to do this to her.

The work of forgiveness is for you…not HIM. Forgiveness is about cleaning up the bad garbage, goop, and trash left behind by the guilty when they pollute your space. For him, the rants and raves in the forgiveness diary are very impressive and effective. He lets it all out, but starts with “I forgive you…”

And finally, but perhaps most importantly…please, please, remember that YOU are the KEY character in your journey of forgiveness. Some of the most powerful acts of forgiveness you will ever do is to forgive yourself! No matter what happens, most of us blame ourselves in some way for bad things that happen to us or bad things that others do to us – even though it’s out of our control and it’s not our fault.

For Tammy and Jim, doing the work of forgiveness resulted in positive changes in both of their lives.

Tammy focused on forgiving people and situations from her childhood. As she let go of her hurt and anger, she became more comfortable letting other people control her work and began to let her needs control her friends and family. As a result, his colleagues, friends and family enjoy being around him and he is calmer and happier!

Jim focused on his self-forgiveness work. He spent hours forgiving himself of all the things he felt he had done to ruin his life and the lives of those around him. As she let go of her hurt and anger, she became calmer and more comfortable with herself. She let go of her harsh judgment of herself and developed a more supportive and motivating way to move forward when things didn’t go as planned. Jim also took a leap of faith and left his job in finance to work in the manufacturing industry which, for him, was more interesting and motivating.

In case you’re wondering, I never got to 490. I was only halfway there before I got rid of all my anger, sadness, and grief! I still use my forgiveness journal for “space cleaning”, so I keep it in a safe place so I know where it is when I need it. Whatever brought you to your journey of forgiveness, one thing I can promise you is this; doing the work of forgiveness will improve your life in incredible and wonderful ways!

Are you ready to forgive 490 times? I hope you find joy and happiness on your journey!

Trojan

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